Releasing My Secrets
“Do you pinky swear?” is a question that your best friend would ask you as a child before they disclosed one of their most darkest secrets. You would agree and extend your finger to seal the deal. Then a conversation of full secrets would begin. My girlfriend and I would refer to each other as “diary.” We knew that when the conversation started with “Dear Diary,” everything would stop we meant business. As a person gets older, you no longer use a pinky to seal secrecy. You can just talk and pray that that the conversation is confidential.
What I have learned through the years, is that we as humans still don’t let our friends or family know everything. It could be the fear of judgement, embarrassment, or even shame. Sometimes we think that they just would not understand, since we know them so well.
See a secret is defined as, “something that is kept from knowledge or view or not acknowledged,” according to Merriam-Webster dictionary. When things are done that we can’t explain or that we find is controversial, we tend to hide. We see this first example in the Garden of Eden. The bible never mentions that they fully understood why they were naked, but they knew that something was different from other days because of their actions. That action to hide is still displayed in each one of our lives today. When we have hurt, pain, or trauma, we hide it. It is not acknowledged because to process the memories of what happened puts a person in a place of depression or oppression and sometimes causing a high level of anxiety. So, we just try to forget, and it becomes the secret that we promise to take to the grave.
So, years later, we find that even the smallest thing that we concealed some how finds a way to manifest. This can happen through behaviors, emotions, relationships, or sometimes we find that other events, music, places, or scents will cause something in your memory to trigger the very thing that you tried to bury.
For years, that was my story. I had hidden so much, that the spill over was happening more frequent. This would be even more around the time of the anniversary of my assault. The pain, depression, and the saying to myself that I should have done something different haunted me. The things that I did not want to share with anyone weighed heavy on me and I would store them in a secret bin. From childhood to adulthood, it became a bin of layers. Occasionally, I would find myself in the presence of God and I would release a little bit, to relieve some of the pressure. Not all of it though, I didn’t want to fully expose anything that would take me through a painful process of to complete healing.
In 2013, I found myself tired. I was tired of the mental torment that I dealt with when the memories of the secrets arose. I was in church and just wanted to give God my all. I didn’t know how or where to start. Until this one particular service, my pastor preached about forgiveness. That was the key for me. I was able to release the secrets. I forgave the people who hurt me in any kind of way, and I forgave myself. That Sunday was the beginning of my process. The beginning of allowing the layers to be lifted and fall off. With each level was a different experience. Some days I would find myself crying. Some days I had to fast and really lay in the presence of God. Some days I was able to function as normal. I worshiped and stayed in my word. I found scriptures to meditate on and affirmed the word over my life daily.
In 2017, I was a speaker at a #MeToo event. I was there to talk about my story of survival but looking back at that day, I stood to declare my total victory. What I realized was healing is a process, but in order to be totally healed I had to release it all to the Lord. I could not hold any of it back, because it would start the same process of rebuilding back up the layers and the layers would eventually spill into every other aspect of my life.
What I had to realize is that I didn’t have to hide it anymore. The Lord was with me! The Lord reminded me,
“When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.’ Isaiah 43:2
He was with me when I went through my trauma, my assault, my divorce, my abuse. Just like he was with you. Yes, we go through the process, but when we were going through the waters and the fire, it did not take us out. He allowed for all things to work together for the good. He knew the thoughts and plans that he had for us; He has not forgotten us.
I hope after reading that that you are encouraged. I want you to remember that just as the Lord told Moses that He is the I Am…He is still that to us for today. “Releasing My Secret: A 30 Day Devotional to Support Your Healing Process,” is a tool. It was birthed after I learned that I needed to release the emotional secrets of my assault that was suppressed deep within me so that I could fully heal. It was written to walk through the process of healing with anyone. Pick up your copy today and let’s begin the process together.
For more information on Coach Santeresa or to obtain a copy of her book, please visit her website at www.santeresaw.com.
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